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The following collection of oddities, humorous anecdotes and jokes come from the pen of Tom Heald.  Many are original; however, I am sure some are remembered from unremembered sources while others are borrowed from or contributed by others, often with modifications to fit a given situation. 

I am partial to witty phrase made up of homonyms or other puns.  But I am open to anything humorous.  
  
Enjoy
  HOMONYMS are words that sound alike but have different meanings. Homophones are a type of homonym that also sound alike and have different meanings and are spelled differently.

HOMOGRAPHS are words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. Heteronyms are a type of homograph that are also spelled the same and have different meanings and are pronounced differently.

Words that sound the same and are spelled the same are both homonyms (same sound) and homographs (same spelling). Example: lie (untruth) and lie (prone); fair (county fair), fair (reasonable).


Like the turtle, one only makes progress when sticking one's neck out. 

So say the ignorant with the full conviction of their ego. 

The illumination of illusion is often elusive. 

The premise of luck is to be bold and blessed rather than safe and sorry. 

Pane can not be placated by passing it on, it must be countered with kindness. 

You can't lead people by pushing them.

It takes more then hot air to float a balloon. 

Don't pretend to be what you don't want to be. 

The difference between knowledge and wisdom is experience. 

There are times when the right way to test the water is to dive in head first. 

The trouble with computers is, they do what you say and not what you want. 

The problem with information straight from the horse's mouth, is that it leaves the tale untold. 

When somebody tells you the sky is the limit; remember, the sky fades to nothingness. 

Some people are vegetarians, not because they love animals but because they hate plants. 

When testing the water, it's OK to get your foot wet as long as you don't dive in head first. 

Marriages are made in heaven; the same place as lightning and thunder. 

Aim high, but pick your target carefully. If you target everything, you're likely to realize nothing. 

People are (or some field of endeavor is) like a vending machine. 
You need to push the right buttons to get what you want. 

The height of insensitivity is going to a fertility clinic and getting your prescription in a bottle with a child proof cap. 

Writing a novel is like weaving a tapestry from many yarns. 
However, when writing Science Fiction, you must also spin the yarn. 

When they tell you, the sky is the limit. When it sounds too good to be true. Remember; the sky may be all that you get. But, it's not all you're apt to lose. 

When they tell you, the sky is the limit. When it sounds too good to be true.
Remember, when they ask you to bet. The sky may be all that you get. 

When they tell you, the sky is the limit. When it sounds too good to be true.
Remember, when they ask you to commit. The sky may be all that you're due.

The warriors lament: Who will I be if I have no enemy? 

Ten percent of all criminals are self made. The others are nurtured by the society they live in. 

In truth, society gets the criminals they deserve. 

The greatest illusion of all is the illusion of reality. 

An allusion to an illusion I find elusive. 

An allusion to an illusion is seldom illuminating and often elusive. 

When asked if one know what one is doing, the answer is inevitably yes. 
The real question is, does anybody else acknowledges it as correct. 

A Bagel mentality: Hard bold, half baked, crusty character with a hole in the head. 

In the never-ending quest for perfection, the persistent prevail. 

Time reveals everything that it doesn't obscure, so the search for truth must be both swift and relentless. 

While liberals flame with the passion of rediscovered truths, conservatives wrap themselves in a cocoon of experiences and familiarity. 

The time for decisive action is never a convenient time, rather it is a compelling time, or often, a forgotten time. 

You know you are older than dirt when your bones feel like they are petrified.

The trouble with modern medicine is it keeps you around longer, but it doesn't keep you younger longer.

Modern medicine, it makes us live longer when what we really want is to be younger longer. 

Ridicule is often deployed as a weapon, but in reality it is a shield. 

An idea that challenges the establishment is first met with ridicule, then righteous indignation. Once established, however, it becomes "Intuitively Obvious all along." 

Little minds never like change.  Time and technology wait for nobody. You either adapt or get passed by. Just like the record player, film cameras, snail-mail and newspapers! Going, Going, gone! 

Nothing is more obnoxious then a reformed advocate who rants and rails against the unenlightened. 

He is no man of God; he's just a God damn man out to fleece the flock. 

He is no man of God; he's just a man, damned by God out to fleece the flock.

Metaphors:

  • Like a duck landing on ice. 
  • Like a shark in a whirlpool. 
  • Like a toad  in a tornado. 
  • Like a bee landing on a pinwheel. 
  • Like a frog in a Cuisinart. 
  • Like a dog chasing a hockey puck. 
  • Like a cat pouncing onto a record player. 
  • Like a rocket gone berserk. 
  • Like a pinwheel on the fourth of July. 
  • Like a ballerina on a banana-peel. 
  • A screech that sounded like a convention of tomcats at a dog show. 
  • Dining on ashes. 
  • The difference between "comic" and "cosmic" is the letter "s". 
  • Just because we can do a thing, does not compel us to do that thing. 
  • Just because we can do a thing, does not mean we should do that thing. 
  • The fact that something can be done, can not, in itself, justify it being done. 
  • The fact that something can be done, should never be the sole justification for doing it. 
The Differences between Men and Women:

Men go swimming as an alternative to taking a shower; 
women consider swimming a reason to take a shower. 

Fat: on men is in the gut, on women the butt..., and her hips. Not so for men, as their hips tend to disappear; which is why some men wear their pants so low. In fact, when such a man bends over, any women standing behind him is likely to crack up! 

Women never put the toilet seat up, men never put it down. 

When eating donuts women carefully wipe their fingers, while men inevitably lick them. 

When eating and drinking at a party, men are apt to fart; and then, with great indignation, look about for the culprit. Women, on the other hand, would never fart in public, they hold it in at all cost. In fact, this is the basis for at least one medieval custom. It is why men feel free bow while women are compelled to curtsy. 

Other Jokes:
 
One day while walking in the garden, Adam was startled by a voice from above. "What's the matter, Adam? You look glum today. Is everything all right?" 
"I don't know. It's wonderful here in paradise and all, but I get lonely. I need ... something." 
"I know what you need," came a booming reply. "You need companionship. Somebody to share your thoughts with, to help you in times of trouble. Someone to wait on your every need, to fulfill your every desire." 
"Gee, that sounds terrific," said Adam as he rubbed his chin. "But what will it cost?" 
"Oh, not much," came the reply. "Just an arm and a leg." 
"Hum...," said Adam as he considered the offer. "How much can I get for a rib?"

How to Avoid Bears in the Woods.
Two points!  Never walk quietly into the woods!  Wear little round bells on your boots and carry pepper spray.  As an early warming, always look for bear scat. 
You can tell the difference between black and grizzly bear scat by poking it with a stick. Grizzly bear scat will have little round bells in it and smell like pepper spray!

Before and After Marriage - Rated PG 

Before: You take my breath away. 
After:
I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before: Twice a night. 
After:
Twice a month.

Before: She loves the way I take control of a situation. 
After:
She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before: Ricky & Lucy. 
After:
Fred & Ethel.

Before: Saturday Night Live. 
After:
Monday Night Football.

Before: He makes me feel like a million dollars. 
After:
If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before: Don't Stop. 
After:
Don't Start.

Before: The Sound of Music. 
After:
The Sound of Silence.

Before: Is that all you are eating? 
After:
Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before: Wheel of Fortune. 
After:
Jeopardy.

Before: It's like living a dream. 
After:
It's a nightmare.

Before: A dozen long stem Roses from him. 
After:
Pretty yellow Dandelions from the kids.

Before: Turbocharged. 
After:
Needs a jump-start

Before: We agree on everything! 
After:
Maybe means no way in this life time.

Before: Victoria's Secret. 
After:
Fruit of the Loom. 

Before: Heavenly Bliss 
After:
Dante's Inferno

Before: Touched by an Angel 
After:
Truth or Consequence 

Homographs -- English oddities: 

  • The bandage was wound around the wound. 
  • The farm was used to produce produce. 
  • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 
  • We must polish the Polish furniture. 
  • He could lead if he would just get the lead out. 
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 
  • There is no time like the present, to present the present. 
  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 
  • I did not object to the object. 
  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 
  • They were too close to the door to close it. 
  • The buck does funny things when the does are present. 
  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 
  • The wind was so strong we had to wind the sail up. 
  • After a number of injections my jaw got number. 
  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 
  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language: There is no egg in an eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. 

If we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. You park in the driveway but you drive on the parkway. You ship by truck and send cargo by ship. 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. 

My Pet Peeve!

Data is information. I never use the "are" verb!  I don't care what a committee said. Data is factual information collected for analysis to be used in making a decision. Granted it is made up of data points; however, it is a collection of facts that are analyzed as a single entity.  If an editor objects, to "the date is informative;"  I may change it to "the data points are informative;" but I never express a singular collection as plural.  


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